Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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