It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
