if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
