i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
