Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
