Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
