haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
