why im i the only drunk person in the library?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
