he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
