I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
