i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
