Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
