At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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