I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
