So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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