i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
