I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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