Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
false alarm, still single
Randomize
