All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
