you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
40s are totally the cure
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize