So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
