I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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