im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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