You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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