wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
