When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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