My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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