I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
