someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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