Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
