I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize