I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize