You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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