phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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