Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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