You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
