I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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