Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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