I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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