Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I would fuck him just for his dog
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