So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
