I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
