It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
