So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
