I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
