I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We need to get me chipped asap
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