i wish my penis had a tongue
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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