Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Text me some of your sweat
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
