That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
