I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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