It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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