Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
