I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just gargled with NyQuil
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
