just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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