You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
