why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
