You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
why does every cop we meet know your name?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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