Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
