You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
