He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
