I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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