dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
