I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
