He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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