I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
