even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
