im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
